For the Criminally Inane

So I feel funny telling people I'm a writer because one of the first things people ask is, So what have you published? Then I say, well, I haven't published anything. Then they say, what editors are you sending your work to. Oh, I say, I haven't published anything. They give me this knowing look. "You're not a real writer," they think. Aaaaack, I'm a fraud! So, now I feel the need to justify it. Darn it, I didn't major or get in MFA in creative writing. "Uh," I blab. "I write four to six hours a day!" Does it convince them? Maybe if my name was Stephanie Meyer.

As a newbie writer, I've been reading all sorts of books on writing. But what's really frustrating is I keep getting conflicting advice: Don't start with dialogue. Start with dialogue if you want immediacy. Don't start with expository. Establish a voice. Don't have dialogue on the first three pages. Get the first three pages moving quick. Break the rules. Follow the rules. There are no rules. Write with formula. Don't write formula. Don't start with backstory. Unless it's really gripping. Don't start with scenic description. Unless it moves the story. Aaaaaaarrrrrrggg! Basically I've decided this. There are certain elements that need to be mastered. If you can master them, then you can do whatever you want and still sell.

Ah, the spring is here. And with it comes the most beautiful weather ever. But it's hard to get any work done when the flowers are blooming, the birds are singing and all the neglected leaves from fall need to be raked up. But never fear! That's why laptops were invented. Just unhook from the wall and travel to your favorite outdoor area (mine is the park so my kids will play). Ah, spring. Now if I can just figure out if that squirrel is making a noise on my roof or in my attic. Guess which I want it to be.