For the Criminally Inane

For the Criminally Inane

Monday, January 30, 2012

S.W.A.K. (Sealed With a Kick)

I was talking to a friend of mine who asked me to give him recommendations for a Valentine's Gift for his girlfriend of a few months. Honestly, I couldn't come up with a single good answer. Flowers die, jewelery is too generic (unless it's a ring with a huge rock on it), chocolate makes her fat. I know what I want, a clean house and not having to do it. Since I'm obviously not the typical romantic girl (I like getting power tools), I decided to compile a list of the cheesiest Valentine's Day gifts you could give. Feel free to use any of these ideas.

Lighter fluid and a card that says "Baby, you light my fire."
Perfume (It says: I think you stink, you should smell like Paris Hilton instead)
Un-mild Salsa (then you can call her hot lips)
Matches (for next year, maybe she won't remember the lighter fluid from this year)
Music with cheesy love songs: Whitney Houston "I Will Always Love You," and "Nothing's Going To Stop Us Now."
Moth balls (her favorite red CK sweater could get eaten)
Charcoal (to go with the matches and the lighter fluid)
Post-It's with a card that says, "You're stuck with me."

Actually, I'm a terrible gift giver.  I have to really know a person before I could give them a really thoughtful gift.  But I think I really would like some moth balls.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

For dating guys: How to let a girl know you are interested without driving her away.

Since I am 110% sure that none of my single guy friends read this blog, this post will be utterly wasted. But I have to talk about something that not very many guys are aware of. Here is my little nugget of womanly wisdom: Girls want mystery. While they may say they want honesty, forthrightness in a man, what they really wants is to be driven mad playing "He-loves-me, he-loves-me-not" with a daisy. Careful, it's a delicate balance between putting a girl off and inviting her to stay interested. See, most of the guys I know are too cut and dry, black and white. If he likes a girl, he lets her know, obviously, blatantly, and then wonders why she's running away. She can't possibly know at this point whether she even likes him or not, but she's turned off because of potential relationship overload. Instead he needs to entice, intrigue and ignore--yes, I said ignore--not too much, mind you, just enough to keep her interested. Guys, if you can master this, uh, let's call it craft, you'll be that much closer to understanding the female psyche. Girls want to wonder (ever heard of "rehashing?" That's where all the wondering is brought out amongst girlfriends to be inspected, poked, prodded, turned upside-down and understood like the entrails of a cadaver in med school.) So, what does this entail? It means, being more elusive. If she emails three get-to-know-you questions, only answer one of them, in fun, capricious detail. Don't respond systematically to all three. That's boring. If she only gets one questions answered, she starts to wonder, (and wonder in a girl is a good thing!) why didn't he answer the other two? Why did he pick that one to answer? Plus, this actually gives you more control; you get to pick which one you answer. You may say, yeah, but I don't like playing games. This isn't playing games, it's called strategic marketing, you are opening up to her a little at a time, letting her first see, say the playful side, reserving a little something for later. Try it. It may work for you.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Dating, the most painful fun!

I've been thinking about the dating relationship again, I think because, as I have mentioned before, I have several friends in the dating stage of life. What a great stage! So full of possibilities, but so many choices. But when it comes to making decisions of whom to marry, it can be daunting. If you are lucky, there are so many good choices out there. Shifting through the better and best choices can be like navigating through Costco on a Saturday afternoon, painful but necessary. There are some obviously bad choices. Those make life easy. I dated a guy who repeatedly called me fat. (In case you don't know I weigh 116 dripping wet--that's pounds not kilos!) That one, I let go without so much as a tear or a sniffle. But I dated some really awesome guys. One had chrome skull gear shifts in his custom souped up Nissan pick up truck he used for "roading" and turning "broadies."* He was a TON of fun!! He listened to Metallica and was reading the Hobbit. He was a cool guy and asked me to a dance when I was going through a painful relationship break up, a Godsend I will always be thankful for. But I didn't marry him. We parted as friends. The choices to let the awesome guys go were tougher. There were several guys that I could've been happy married to, but for one reason or another they "got away." I could give more examples, but I guess my point is this and I'm going to put it in all caps so if you just happen to breeze into my site, I want you to read this if nothing else: YOU DON'T MARRY EVERYBODY YOU LOVE!!!!! It's impossible. I have loved lots and I have loved deeply. Sometimes you have to let people go, even ones you love. If you are lucky, you get to spend eternity with the one you love the best, just make sure it's not the one who insults your weight. *look up broadie in urbandictionary.com

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

European Vacation

Yes, I'm back from my fabulous holiday abroad. It was an adventure filled with ten other bunkmates in a hostel room complete with a bit of culture clash, Boxing Day shopping, Tube strikes, Wicked, worship at the London Temple, Chunnel to Paris, lunch at Le Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, more shopping. I'll have to say, that after living sixteen months in Europe as a missionary, I had high expectations of being able to share some culture with my sister. I wanted to share food, travel, food, scenery, good food and people. I feel like even ten days was not enough to experience it all, to have an understanding of culture. A taste, yes, understanding no. I also found out that after ten years, my French stinks. My accent is gone and my vocab is so-so. It sufficed for a tourist, but that's all. Living in a country for many months was different than being a tourist. As a tourist, I was able to let my hair down, have fun, make fun memories. I am so grateful for my mission because it broadened my understanding of many cultures, gave me an appreciation of my own, let me live as another which is so valuable. I hope that I never forget both my experiences so far in Europe, as a tourist and as a missionary. And I hope that I can continue to share Europe with other loved ones.